The Darkest Light
by mgsab123
Summary: Fate is a funny thing, especially when yours is to destroy the world... to save the world. "He loved until he hated, he was strong until he broke. He laughed until his laughs turned to tears and was broken until he realized that all this time he'd been whole." NoahAllen.
1. The End

Disclaimer: I do not own -man

It's been a while that I've had this idea sitting around- from a request made by Rumicwarrior22- and I've finally decided to go with it. The first thing that came into my mind about this story was the end... so I decided that's where I'll start so I can give you a taste of what I'm feeling for this story!

I am really hoping to hear people's opinions and suggestions with this story- I haven't yet gone any farther then this chapter so where the actually story goes is up in the air!

**I need people to tell me if this story sounds like it is worthwhile to continue!**

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><p><strong>THE END<strong>

He realized it now, as he walked through all of the blood and gore that had been the people he had once cared about; their bodies lay torn to pieces, unrecognizable as individual people.

As his hands dripped the tainted Noah blood, while his clothes were stained with the oh so holy exorcist blood, he was reminded of that day. The day he'd destroyed his Noah family years before.

He knew he was, at his very core, the Noah of destruction. He hadn't been able to stop it, hadn't been able to control his very nature from causing this landscape of gore and blood. As he looked at the carnage around him, he couldn't feel anything but content. The blood just looked so lovely, and it was just oh so amusing; the high and mighty Noah blood and the up and pious exorcist blood mingling in the same sea of destruction.

It was more then his heart could take to see that he couldn't tell one from the other, all of the blood looked the same spilt and splattered about. He laughed, it was an uncontrolled thing as he wrapped his arms around himself and lifted his face to the sky. He cried, silent tears streaming down his face that mingled with the Noah-exorcist blood— he had forgotten which had been the one that had splashed upon his face. The tears smeared the blood a bit, turning it into a lighter shade were they ran down his face— but the color wasn't quite a pink, there was too much red to fade to anything but an almost more vibrant red.

He laughed for the humility of what he'd done—lowering both Noah and exorcist to the same level. He cried for the horror of what he'd done— killing the ones he loved and the ones that had loved him. He laughed while he cried...

And felt no regret doing either.

Yes, it was just who he was. The fourteenth, the Noah of destruction. The destroyer of time.

He loved until he hated, he was strong until he broke. He laughed until his laughs turned to tears and was broken until he realized that all this time he'd been whole.

His emotions were all and none. He felt, loved, so much that it just left no room for himself, no room to be partial or to hold back. He was the one who'd be the savior of the world, not the Noah or exorcist who thought themselves above everything else. You couldn't save something— the world, pride, a friend, life— from above.

He was a Noah, an exorcist, a savior, and a destroyer all at once. A contradiction that made sense.

He was the savior who might have to destroy the world.


	2. For the Love of Those Who Hated Me

**Disclaimer: I do not own -man**

**So, this is just a small tidbit to set the mood for the later chapters. This takes place-and the next chapter as well-while Allen is imprisoned by the Order after the whole Alma ark but is reflexing on everything that has happened overall-like the times when he saw the 14th's shadow and such. The next chapter will be short as well but will move the plot along (and it should be up in a few days)**

**Tell me what you think, and like with the bolded title, if you send me a line/quotes that you like I might use it for a chapter!**

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><p><strong>For the Love of Those Who Hated Me<strong>

He would never be one to admit it, but the face in the mirror—the looming shadow—had scared him more then it had the Order higher ups. He wasn't stupid. He knew that he was dangerous, a threat. A ticking time bomb counting down the seconds until he snapped… until Allen Walker was no more.

The feeling of such a thin, fragile line between sanity and insanity… Terrifying. The most terrifying feeling in the world, the one of not being sure if you'll be _you_ when you wake the next morning.

He knew this—dammit, he knew it better then those who looked upon him with either fear or pity. He was the one who wanted to break down crying whenever he saw that reflection in the mirror… whenever Neah whispered in his ear all of the reason he should Just. Let. Go.

So he acted strong, like his being a prisoner in his own home didn't bother him. He smiled and smiled until his face hurt and it felt like he would never be able to stop.

He did it all for the people who hated him. So they wouldn't worry, so they wouldn't realize just how in danger they were—how close he was to letting go.

But they would never realize how it was so much worse to fear yourself then to have others fear you.


	3. Darker Stuff, Fools and Chains, and Hell

**Disclaimer: Yup, still don't own. -man or the lines in bold.**

So here's a nice long chapter for everyone! **This chapter is a bit fragmented because it is the last jumbled ideas that need to be said before the real story can start in full! (think of this all as a long prequel or setting the mood... or simply telling you what i'm changing from the story line and what I'm having Allen think at different times.)**

**Suggestions for story ideas are welcomed as well as lines and quotes that you guys like-if you send me one I might use it for a chapter heading!**

**So read and review! But most importantly, enjoy!**

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><p><strong>I am formed of darker stuff. Of bones and blood and clay<strong>

And then came the day that everything he'd worked for, everything that he'd kept at bay, came crashing down around him.

He broke, snapped, cracked… shattered. When Neah started taking over his body, he knew that his time was at an end. He couldn't even blame the Order when he ended up locked away like a monster. He was one.

It took him rotting in a prison to realize that no matter how hard he tried, he would never fit in. Anywhere. He was different. He wasn't like the other Order members no matter how hard he tried. From the very beginning, there had been blood on his hands.

He was, and always had, been made of darker stuff.

**It is difficult to free fools from the chains they revere.**

Apocryphos had killed Cross. When he saw this, nothing else mattered except utterly destroying Apocryphos. It didn't matter that the bubbling hatred, the heat in his blood reminded him of the Noah.

_Innocence can't hurt me._

Those words… the thing that kept him from revenging his Master… a part of Allen was afraid of the thing within him that smiled at those words. _He didn't just have innocence now did he? _The voice whispered sweetly, promising him everything even as he knew it would be the end of Allen Walker.

_I want to save you Allen Walker._

Allen was momentarily surprised at the fact that he had never wanted forgiveness, to be saved, it wasn't something that he thought he was capable of… ever since the day he had brought back Mana, simply to destroy him again, he had known that he didn't deserve to be saved. He deserved to spend his whole life repenting and suffering for everything he had done.

Something dark brewed in Allen, his thoughts were slowly twisting and turning and coiling into something…. Something that wasn't quite him. But he couldn't stop it. The more Apocryphos spoke, the more the darkness twisted around him. But then Rhode took the blow for him, Link gave his last ounce of strength to release Tim and help him escape, and he was left out in the night air with Tyki next to him and Rhode's small body in his arms. His temper receded as he watched the Order get farther and farther into the distance. The fact that he was leaving the one place that he had thought he could call home sobered him from the darkness. His home… now, now he was leaving it. And a part of his mind kept telling him it was for good.

_We can't use Rhode's doors_

A part of Allen wanted to say that they could use his, but he kept quiet. He couldn't help the fear that gripped his mind when he thought about working with the Noahs. If he went with the Noah… he just knew that he would lose himself even faster.

But then his arm reacted…

_You're still hopelessly dependant on that thing?_

If he let go of his arm… then that would only leave the Noah genes inside him…

_ Are you retarded?... Did that thing look like God's creation? It was a savage beast!_

But… but that had been Apocryphos… not his innocence… the beasts were the Noah… right?

_You, of all people, say that to me?... You hold within you two such monsters._

He knew everything that Tyki told him was true… that's what made it sting even worse. His heart started beating frantically, unable to give up its last bit of hope of him not being a complete monster at heart. As long as he had his innocence he felt like some part of him was still good.

_You don't even understand what exactly it is you are… you simply sow chaos and conflict wherever you go._

His mind was breaking along with his heart… all he had wanted was to save everyone. He had never meant for chaos and conflict to follow… _You're naïve then. To save you must destroy something else. Always destroying. Saving and conflict go hand in hand. You can deny it all you want. And conflict… conflict sows chaos. _That nagging voice whispered in his mind.

_It's you who's the worst out of all of us, Allen Walker._

He wasn't sure if he wanted to kill Tyki or collapse and cry. What made it worse was that he knew that Tyki still wasn't lying. He was the worst.

As Allen's thoughts darkened again, Tyki said one last thing.

_You teach those monsters inside of you who's boss._

The darkness inside him depleted at those words as Tyki disappeared. He glanced at Rhode, trying to stay strong. He didn't want to admit it to himself but Tyki, a Noah, had given him words of encouragement. Something about the fact that Tyki thought Allen was strong enough to fight both his demons made him want to cry. Even he hadn't believed in himself…

_Don't stop. Keep walking._

Rhode's words snapped him out of his self pity. They reminded him of his resolve. He reached out towards her, but he grabbed nothing as she disappeared with a small smile and tears in her eyes. For some reason seeing Rhode disappear, and how upset it made him, put everything into focus. He clenched his fists, knowing that he was tired of being the cause for destroying everyone he loved. He had to do something. He had to let to let everyone he loved go until he got himself out of this mess. It wasn't safe for him anymore with the Order, he was just wasting his time holding on to something that was already long gone from his grasp. He had to remove the chains that bound him to that place before they choked the life out of him and those he loved.

So with that mindset, and a new determination, he turned and opened an Ark.

**And It Never Stays the Same.**

**(A bit earlier)**

Lately the ground beneath her feet just seemed to keep crumbling beneath her. Everyone she knew, loved… every precious piece that made up her world was being taken away. Or broken beyond repair, so out of shape that they couldn't fit into her world anymore no matter how much she tried and line up the pieces.

There was just no way to put broken pieces together to connect lonely, shattered hearts.

There was nothing she could do to save her world.

But that wouldn't stop her from trying to hold the crumbling pieces together.

As Lenalee walked through the halls of the Order, she knew that her home was slowly slipping away from her. Kanda was gone-she refused to think of him as dead-, Lavi was missing, Choaji was seriously hurt… and Allen was locked up.

She wanted to break down and cry, but she wasn't that little girl who tried to run away anymore. She couldn't let herself be weak. She would fight for her reasons to live; she couldn't lose anyone else… she didn't think her heart could handle it.

So when she heard about what had happened with the Noah… and Allen… she was off. She didn't think, she couldn't. All she knew was that she couldn't let Allen go…she couldn't bare to let him leave her-willingly or not didn't matter.

When she caught up to Allen, he wasn't with the Noah anymore. But he looked determined, his fist clenched before him before he turned and opened an Ark, a looked that scared her because she could feel it drawing him away. She froze in her tracks, tears streaming down her face as Allen slowly turned to look at her, his expression turning gentle and reassuring.

But she still saw the sadness underneath.

There were shadows under his eyes and his pale skin looked sickly. He was thinner then she remembered, but he still seemed so bright. She almost wanted to close her eyes he shone so bright. So broken yet still smiling… Her heart broke for him; she almost felt sick knowing that they had done this to him. The Order had done this to Allen when they'd put him in that prison like some criminal.

He walked towards her slowly, his hands out in front of him in a nonthreatening gesture, as if to not frighten her. As if she could ever be afraid of him. Allen, the boy who wanted to save the world. But then, she realized with shock, why was she shaking?

As he came towards her and all she could do was stare at him. He- Allen Walker, the boy who had brought light and warmth to her home, who had shown her what it meant to truly fight for the ones you loved- was standing before her, about to leave her life forever, and all she could do was shake and cry like some helpless fool.

There was no doubt in his eyes, just calm resolve. And for a moment, she hated him. She feared and hated him, this person who could come into her life and leave so easily. Throughout everything, she had never doubted him. Never. Yet she knew he wasn't going to give her a chance to help him. He was just going to disappear. She knew in some part of her mind that he was doing it FOR her, but the other part of her mind was too busy crying out. Loudly. She was tired of being protected. She had thought for a moment that she was strong enough to keep her world safe. Yet here she was, unable to help Allen shoulder his demons.

When he wrapped his arms around her-slowly, as if waiting for her to flinch away- she almost came apart. Fresh tears trailed down her cheeks; in that moment there was no deluding herself into thinking that this could be anything but goodbye. And what frightened her most now was how tightly he held her, like this was more then a simple goodbye… like it was the last time she was ever going to see him.

"If you leave," she whispered out, her voice desperate and broken and she hated the sound of it, "We'll have to fight each other."

"I'm sorry." he whispered into her ear, his voice gentle, "But you know I can't go back." his voice paused as he pushed away from her enough to look down at her with solemn eyes, "This place can't be my home anymore."

"Allen" she started, desperate to make him stay, but the look in his eyes made all of the words in her head disappear.

Through her sadness and fear-of Allen and of losing him- she realized something with a horrifying clarity. His bounds to the Order were torturing him. She was hurting him. His love for them would be his undoing and here she was trying to selfishly hold onto him. She shook her head, staring down at her feet as the weight of her realization hit her. She had always known that she wasn't a good person-she was selfish and cared only about the tiny little world around her-but she had never realized it…

She had never realized how cruel she could be without even knowing it.

So she did the only thing she could. She reached up on her toes and hugged Allen once more, her arms around his neck, before quickly letting go. She backed up slowly, still crying as the wind blew around her as chaotically as her breaking heart.

She was letting him go.

If you loved someone, sometimes there was no other way-nothing else in your power to do-but let them leave you.

"You can come back," she whispered, knowing all the while the hurt she was inflicting, but unable to stop herself from a last attempt to savage some piece of her world "Me and everyone else will always be your home, even if the Order itself isn't."

She gave him a weak smile, trying to be strong, "Have a safe trip Allen."

Allen nodded, that small, sad smile still on his face. He turned and walked away from her without another word. He went through the open portal and was gone with a flash of light. It suddenly seemed too dark to bear. She fell to her knees, holding her head in her hands as she cried uncontrollably, knowing that these moments were her last chance to break apart. In a few moments other members of the Order would catch up to her- and the consequences that surely awaited her for her actions today. She'd have to pull herself together and act like she was okay.

She had no choice but to let Allen go…

All she could do was hope that he would come back to her someday.

**The way to hell is paved with good intentions**

Allen slide down the wall of the alley he hid in, his head falling between his knees as his body slumped over itself.

What was he doing? Who was he trying to fool?

He knew deep down that he was going to end up going to the Noah, but some stubborn part of him couldn't bite the bullet. With Apocryphos hunting him he knew that he was just endangering everyone that he came across, setting them up to be a casualty. He didn't want to cause anymore conflict and chaos… and he knew the Noah were the only ones who could handle the risk of Neah going berserk and Apocryphos… but they were bad, evil.

But it seemed like they were his only chance.

He lifted his head, staring at the stars above. They shone so bright… while his light was getting cloudy with the darkness he had to fight to keep at bay.

Good, bad… the line seemed to blur before him as silent tears fell down his cheeks. It seemed pointless to fight it, he just had to let go of the idea that he was a good person. He knew wasn't bad-at least not yet anyway-but he definitely wasn't good. The idea made him laugh; hiccuping laughter as he cried at the inevitability of him going to the Noah. How much destruction would he have stopped from happening if he had just gone with them before?

Allen wiped the tears from his face, smiling ruefully as he stood up. Maybe he was already the herald for destruction… he seemed to cause it even when he didn't mean to. His every action just seemed destined to lead him to hell... to destroying the world...

But it didn't matter. There was nothing he could do but keep walking forward… even if that next step was into a darkness that he didn't know if he could handle. Even if that next step led him to the Noah, his enemies and recent saviors.

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><p><strong>AN: Question, how is my characterization of Allen? I'm finding it a tad hard to find his voice... well any suggestions/tips are fine! (I wouldn't be offended). Oh, and this chapter was written and released quickly so sorry for grammar mistakes and the like, I was just really excited to get the prequelish stuff all done and get to the actual meat of the story!**


	4. For Your Own Good Leads

**Disclaimer: Yup, I still don't own.**

Okay so here's another chapter... I've been putting off posting a new chapter because I wanted to make sure that I'm 100% positive about where I want this to go... but then I decided to just go with it.

**Please tell me what you think; if it's any good; if the characters seem legit; anything you want to see in the future; and send me any quotes or lines that you like and I might use them for the bolded heading.**

**Read, Enjoy, and Review!**

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><p><strong>I may be on the side of angels, but don't think for a second I'm one of them<strong>

That stupid bastard; running off on his own, trying to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders alone.

Kanda hated the Order, and every thing that it stood for, but he knew that he couldn't leave things like this. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw the events of that day play out over and over again. It was his fault… but he wouldn't weep, like hell he would. He wasn't the type for sitting around in self pity. He would DO something about it.

Even if it meant going back to the Order.

Even if it meant giving up all of his morals, his hatred for what happened with Alma.

He would act the part of one of them… but he would never again be one of them at heart. His heart was too blackened, beaten down until it had broken and formed something new. He felt light now, of all things. He wasn't seething for the first time in his life.

He knew the Order was awful, did horrendous things, but he would use them to right the last wrong that he had left behind. The last piece of his soul he needed to put right so he could forever be at peace.

He would save Allen Walker, from himself, from the Order, from the Noah.

He would save Allen Walker, even if it meant he had to kill him to do so.

After all, he wasn't a saint, an angel. No he was simply playing the part, using his innocence to make things right.

**For your own good is a persuasive argument that will eventually make a man agree to his own destruction.**

Allen moseyed around the town, which he was not sure, covered in a cloak with the hood up to shadow his face. He had his hands in his pockets and his head down; he wasn't looking for anything. He knew that the Noah would find him eventually, if they didn't already have someone tailing him. There was no need to seek them out, simply all he had to do was give in to the inevitable.

Sure enough, it wasn't long before two figures cut through the crowd and headed towards him. The two seemed to part the crowd yet blend into it at the same time, almost like the people that gave them room weren't even conscious of why they were doing so. Allen smiled to himself at the thought; maybe people just naturally knew they were predators and avoided them. But then again, if that was case, he must be just as bad.

Nobody had looked at him or had intruded into his personal space with so much as a brushed shoulder for as long as he had been walking along these streets-which now had been a few hours… Or had it been days? He wasn't sure; he had been walking around like the living dead for some time now as his mind gave up thinking and his body simply kept functioning. He had just kept walking. Yet as far as everyone around him was concerned, he was invisible… yet they felt his presence enough to stay away without thought.

It was with a rueful smile on his face and sadness in his eyes that he branched off the main street into an alley to meet the Noah… who he was just as bad as.

_If he had just gone with them earlier—maybe even as early as the whole Alma mess… the ark…so many chances he had been given—instead of trying to fight… how many could have been spared?_ That voice that was apart of him yet separate whispered, reminding him once again of what he'd done. He tried not to listen, he knew the mistakes that he had made. He knew that his choices had led to more destruction... that was why now he was giving up on choosing and just going with what had to be done.

Turning around to face his followers, he saw that the two who entered the alleyway behind him weren't strangers; he recognized the twins Jasdero and Debitto. But, though he recognized them, there was something different about them. It wasn't just their looks that had changed since the last time he had saw them, it was something else… something in the way that they now held themselves with more confidence-no, surety was more appropriate- from their past bravado.

It made something in Allen's chest hurt for some reason, seeing the two twins so changed. Their maturity was… haunting for some reason.

But Allen smiled on, like usual, as he nodded towards the two, "Debitto, Jasdero."

The two nodded back, inclining their heads as if they were curious as to why he wasn't running away or fighting them like they had probably expected. Some part of him almost wished that they would pull out their guns, act foolish… anything to show that they were still the same somehow.

"Did you finally decide to come with us?" Debitto sneered, his voice still holding the same distain-twisting his face into something harsher- but there was something detached about it… it wasn't just a display now, it was the distain of someone who thought themselves above another.

And it finally hit Allen why this all bothered him. Before, without even realizing it, he had thought of the Noah as human. Or at least as something that wasn't far off from what he was.

There had always been a part of him that had thought of the Noah as savable.

But now… now the proof right in front of him showed how unhuman they really were. How unhuman he really was.

He was hit with the sudden realization that both the Noah and himself weren't savable-they were beyond that. The thought should scare him, should anger him, should make him want to fight to save the world-like he always had-with even more of a fury. Instead, it left him feeling oddly numb, empty... or was it pleased? He wasn't sure what his own emotions were anymore or which that voice in his head was influencing. He felt everything, yet nothing.

Allen sighed, looking towards the sky once more. There were no stars now; the sky was a dusty shade of gray, so lifeless and dull that the sun couldn't even shine through.

"I have no choice but to," he murmured, not feeling sorry for himself- not sadly- but resigned.

Jasdero snorted, it wasn't a comical sound nor a childish action as it would have been before. No, it was a cruel sound meant to degrade another, "Allen Walker," Jasdero's still lyrical voice started, though the playful edge to it was gone leaving only a hint of madness and of something darker, "There is always a choice."

Allen pondered this for a moment, realizing the truth in those words-yet at the same time the futility in those words. It only made him realize the gap between what was and what had been more distinctively.

Suddenly, without thought, he blurted out, "Did your Noah's take over completely?"

He couldn't place why, maybe it was the fear of the Noah inside him, but he just had to know. Had to know the logic, the event, that had made the new twins before him.

He thought of Tyki Mikk, the man he had played cards with. The man who once had a human family. Who acted like a… dare he say decent person? Who had-for a moment-accepted-_or wanted_, some part of Allen's mind supplied-the loss of his Noah side. That smile, so resigned to a fate-his fate- but one that he had chosen… it made Allen look like a fool. He wasn't strong like that, strong and noble enough to simply chose to let go and accept the consequences of his choice. No, to him there was no other way, no alternative. It made his decision seem easy in comparison.

But then… but then he thought of the mindless monster that came from that resignation-that choice-that he admired the conviction of. _His fault_, some part of his mind chanted. That damn voice. _Always his fault. He always brought destruction. _

And then he pondered the "after", meaning who Tyki had been after his Noah had taken over completely. Had there been anything left of the Tyki Mikk he had known? He couldn't decide as his mind flashed between Tyki's blood crazed expressions and his easygoing, foolish expressions and cruelly kind words.

The twins though seemed… different. They stared at him after he voiced his question, looking at him like he had two heads. But then their expressions softened a bit. They didn't smile-or look at him with pity or kindness or reassurance-they simply looked at him with understanding.

"It isn't so bad." They both replied in unison, their voices blending into one. It was… eerie, yet some part of Allen felt put at ease. They weren't lying to him; they didn't look at him like he was a wild animal or a wounded one. They just saw him as well Allen Walker… the fourteenth. Something about that fact, the solidness of it, made what he did next easier. He might not have an alternative choice, but he felt that he was choosing the lesser of two evils at least... even if it led to his destruction. To the end of Allen Walker.

With cheer he didn't quite feel, he turned towards the wall and looked over his shoulder at the twins with a bright smile, "Okay. So where to?"


End file.
